So, what now?

Saturday night my grandpa had his 90th birthday... there was a huge family party for him that i missed... the other day i found out the new pope wears red prada shoes and it made me sad... cuz John Paul wore the same faded loafers all the time apparently... and people say oh john paul was just a "good crowd worker" and he was an actor, but its not all there was... when i saw pope benedict xvi on world youth day he was so very stoic and his words carried a deeper theological weight but his bearing seemed cold... whereas with john paul, when i saw him in toronto... his whole being did not say "look at me workin the crowd" it was brokeness and pain and honesty: integritas...his words were simple yet penetrating... and many people i know were of the opinion that john paul was more into people looking at him then at christ... i don't see this in him... i see that in seeing john paul one could not help but see christ... as they were so one...so is a lack of inspiration or feeling or passion always a bad thing? is it a sign that soemthing is wrong with how i'm living or is it just the way life is... becuase as horribly heretical and twisted and messed up as christendom was, i was always passionate there... well by sophmore year it started to flicker out which is why i though i had to leave and i thought i'd findit again here but i don't know part of me feels like this is just part of the aging/growing up process, not that you get jaded but you start to realize that things let you down that people let you down and then you try not to get your hopes up because it takes so much energy once you realize things wweren't what you thought they'd be... was my "Christendom fire" a fire of youthful enthusiasm? was it spiritual fire, a greater indwelling of God? was i just naive? maybe it was a combination of all three... so where do i go from here... like i told holl and john at christendom i used to spend hours upon hours praying in the chapel... it was a combination of great love and great fear that kept me there... it was heaven and hell infused in my heart and battling each moment... it was God imminent in every particle... and i do miss that desperation- that fight that struggle second by second where every breath counts for something... for love or for death... and not for gray... so how do I live like that as i break into the world? i guess this has always been the question hasen't it...

veni veni emmanuel...