turning the knife

you are a b a s t a r d

feeling very small and frozen,
like a fetus in a jar,

you are c r u e l

i go to another place:
stopitstopitstopit!

you l o v e to turn the knife

don't do it
stop

shaking
in between them


now
still shaking
hiding
behind [invisible] bedroom doors
everywhere i go.

rage is written plainly
on her forehead
with that ugly pulsing vein she growls
. . . because i love you

no.
this is not love,
this is rage
and you feel holy.

everyone used to say
she looks just like her father.

i used to find ways
to get near him,

[even when you coulden't or woulden't,
even then i forced my way into his world,
learning to speak his silent language]

small
sitting on the piano bench,
its sharp edge
pinching the backs of my knees

imitating him to be loved by him,
for better or for worse.

dad, you're one of my best friends...

well, i don't know how good that is

he's saying
i love you
a thousand times a day
when

all


i


want

is for him to show it
one time

while
all she wants
is to hear him say it
he speaks only in languages of
tears

music: silence

and she won't speak that language
she says, he loves to turn the knife
but the knife she wields,

Rumi's "The Glance" Songs of Soul-Meeting

This book is amazing. That's all I have to say at present.

if only if only if only

I'm pissed at myself right now for always wanting to be like/ to have:

~~~> _______ <~~~

this blank is

the whim/the pretty person who just passed me/ the perfect girl on the magazine/ the person I used to be/ the person I only think I used to be but probably never was

TheKillers Performance in my Living Room

so the other night holly and lauren came over and I put in the Killers, you know, for summer memories. And then got this sudden urge to put the volume up to level 25 (which i did) andstart playing the invisible drums (which i always do) so then holly joined in (oh! katia jus came up behind me and suprise-hugged me so i coulden't tell who it was...aaaw!) and so then i took over the invisible bass! so then lauren was still sitting watching and i was like "Lo! come on! we need a lead singer!" she relunctantle stood up and i was like "comeon! sing lo!" so she gets up and stands on the couch and starts belting out the words to "Mr. Brightside." by then the climax of the song is approaching and i randomly started jumping like bands do while still playing their instruments and so all three of us were going up and then down at the same time... i could see the three of us "performing" reflected in the tv screen... it was great fun... :D

Either way

either way
stuck to this godamned cross
and its

dripping in my vomit

hateithateithateit
hateyouhateyouhateyou

a writhing scream contorts me:

rapist murderer sadist
if you are really a god save yourself and us


then,
a naked male voice:

e l i e l i la ma ch sa bb a ta ni ?


the cry from crimson-lips
is blood from soul-wounds

red-winged fire
kiss of a deity tongue

and now,
stuck to this godamned christ
and he's
covered in my vomit

wood dissipates flesh melts together
arms spread open arteries morph
blood flow stops reverses and flows into him
screaming

slowly his blood and mine begin to flow in a circle

exhalation of each

hic est enim ... sanguinis mei

Lois Griffin, EWTN and the time

sometimes i just love the human race! (shocker!) like this guy here in the library just now i was straining to see the clock and this older man with glasses a beige turtleneck and a white mug of coffee looks at me, smiles and says "3:30- give or take..." God bless him, lol... so so i am totally on this family guy binge- i totally LOVE stewie griffin, ( holly and i have been watching season 3 at my apt- ps we still MUST watch Romeo and juliet holl) and lois griffin is my heroine ;D ... i have theology of the body class momentarily but hmm i feel like writing there must be something in here squirming to be unleashed cuz i gotta write- oh so i was interviewed for an EWTN ( i jsut accidentally typed EXTN hAHHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAAHAHAHHAHAH) show today! it was pretty fun- so sometime months from now i'll be on tv for literally 20 seconds hehehe :D and the "my freind" that i mention is of course HOlly! funny i kept saying "my friend holly and I" during the taping but i wasen't supposed to say her name and i did it like 5x! and then i was like damn! and then i was like oh sorry i covered my mouth suddenly you know since the ppl taping are more conservative catholics and yeah i was like all frazzled/nervous haha but anyways it was def. a ciool experience.. like being in the little set studio with dim lighting and fake trees :) recirculated air and tv screeen all showing the same thing- my face- all lined up-its a very fake filtered feeling but still it was cool... anywayshey LAUREN IS NEXT TO ME!!!!!!!!! lol GTG! peace guys!

So I finally handed in my short story!

that's a relief, but it also feels like throwing your child into the hands of a babysitter who could care for him and give him back or might degrade every aspect of your child, tearing him apart and giving him back torn. i know i must be cliche/plagerizing every poet ever here, but give me the mad ones! give me the poets! the mad ones are the only ones who makes sense and the poets- the only ones who speak... i have a new idea for a story, possibly a novel- its gonna be a really intense one... but nevermind that was a given, haha, i am a little ner vous about my story, just cuz i've gotten mixed respondses tot he final one- jenny (my roomate, for those of you from out of town) and holly thought it made perfect sense... john only got half of what the plot resolvment was... so i dunno... and since my teach IS a man... we all know they're not as reasonable as they've historically claimed, so i worry he might not "get" what i'm saying... oh well... funny how parts of my sotry that poeple laughed at when he read it outloud for me are actually things i was totally serious about... oh well... i guess its ok since it got the ppl into the story, but still ... i dno't think my head is on the same wavelength as his... jenny and i talked last night until 4:30... she helped me alot... we have alot more in common then i would have guessed... and i'm really grateful God gave me her for a roomate...

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hahaha
just felt like changin what i had up but don't got nuthin inspiring to say...


lalalallalalaalalala


except...............................of course.....................

CARPE DIEM!

Nine brothers and 16 sisters, but different mothers

I met one of my neighbors today. She lives 2 houses down on Pennsylvania ( my street). She was riding her bike (no hands!) passed where I stood outside having a cigarette. She looked straight at me and said "You look pretty." It was dusk and purple and pink clouds streaked the sky overhead.
"Me?"
"Yeah."
"Thank you! So do you" I said.
She got off her (pink) bike and left it spinning sideways on the curb. My front door was open and the light from the lamp glowed inviting orange against the gray night-encroaching sky.
"Thats my house." She peered inside.
"Wow... its pretty."
"Whats your name" I asked.
"Neysa. N-e-y-s-a"
"Thats really pretty."
"Whats yours?" she asked.
"Sophia"
She smiled and leaned forward, "Thats cute" (haha!)
"How old are you" (I was thinking 8 prolly9)
"8"
"Thats what i though- I was that old when i learned to ride a bike wihtout training wheels.
"I ain't never used no training wheels in my life."
I smiled,
"Me neither you wanna come inside?" she comes in,
You live here by yourself?"
"No, my roomates Jenny's just not home right now."
"Do you have a drink?" "Sure" I got her some coke. Her friends scream her name from down the street. "Yer dad wants you!" "OH guess you better go" She drinks her coke faster. "I'll see you later" I said. "ok.... how bout tomorrow?" "Ok" i smiled. "what time?" she asked. "uhhmm" "6? I'm out at six." "Ok, bye honey." damn she was cute!

The Story Won't End

So today is All Saint's Day and i'm really bummed- I did assume that Mass times would be the same as every other tuesday, but no- when I got to the chapel it was totally empty... there is nothing more paradoxically soothing and yet as lonely as an empty chapel...